20.4.09

I'm going back a few months; so please bear with me ... I had a meltdown about the purpose of the action of touching. It became totally out-of-the-question, off-the-menu. If it still doesn’t matter, that's because I only recently stopped crying my eyes out. That was while I was doing more general things, but it's all connected in my mind. I'm not trying to complain. He is very good about my ideas. So thanks. Mostly, we stay away from the area. It's nonetheless true to say though that I'm some non-functioning cunt and could be removed for that reason. At the outset, I felt like I was no longer inside myself thinking these things to myself. That's because I had to say I can’t have sex. What's good is that no-one heard me - until now. Why am I like this. I've tried to keep still; as I was told it would help. But ideas like that make me judder. In similar denials, I’ve never really understood definitions which allow me my purposes, yet again and in many ways punish me for having them. That's just something I didn’t do when I was in your position. I’ve never found any sort of pleasure in controlling inconvenience and saying it's a concept of some kind. The whole world springs to my mind without permission. It hurts. It hurts to say so too. By my reckoning, this happens several times-a-day. It never feels pure. That's not what I've been used for historically. (I'm not interested in having my typos and grammatical errors pointed out. But if you want to get in touch about something interesting please do.) Linda

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