15.4.09

A personal message to Ornette, 44, Mids, seeking similar: I confess, I complain every time something is as I don’t feel it should be. I'm not like you, I have no other reason to be here, but to troll the boards and chatrooms. That is the most active part of my everyday life. I don't think it will always be like that, but that's my role now. It’s a first attempt at trying to convince myself about my life with him. I don't want to change his mind and I don’t want him to change mine. So I'm just practicing by having these conversations, pure and simple. He said just recently that he wants me to stop questioning everything about him, and that I should instead question everything else. It’s a part of building trust and showing commitment, he said. This is all new to me. It’s going to be hard for me, a top priority. I want to change my behaviour, but I think I will fail. I always have before. I hate seeing his face when I say that. I usually look away. But it doesn't change what I'm saying and how he feels about it. I hear his annoyance anyway. Just the other day I asked him something as a convenience thing, just to get a response. He saw right through what I was doing, and we didn't talk for days. Eventually I surrendered, but only when he asked me to. I'm on here as b4uiwasnothing, but my real name is Paulina. Hi.

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