alternate

Having studied the various articles, op-ed pieces, complaints and subpoenas surrounding the release of the Briggs Surrogate Vacuum-Based Apparatus it seems there are two primary complaints. The first, and personally the most discouraging and often simply slanderous, is that the BSVBA is immoral. These claims, which often use libelous terms such as "rape doll", claim the device feeds on our most base and predatory impulses and in fact encourages such impulses, essentially affording a kind of training for the application of abusive treatment towards actual human beings. The second is that the BSVBA, simply put, in no way resembles a human body, either male or female, resembling a kind of protean mass closer to the sort of fever-dream Hans Bellmer might have after an overdose of Salvia Divinatorum. I have said, and in fact continue to say, that both of these complaints are in fact intentional, and when coupled prove the BSVBA is in fact a superiorly moral device gradually freeing the world of the acts of social degenerates, who find the device so deeply satisfying, so entirely absorbing in its abilities and modular sexual organs that the idea of pursuing any sort of physical or psychological abuse upon an actual human seems entirely unsatisfying and shallow. We must agree, at this point in human development, that the attempts to sublimate and ignore these impulses have constantly and tragically failed throughout history. Likewise, more recent seemingly "progressive" concepts that such behaviors can be made acceptible in everyday society, that by allowing and even encouraging the behavior we diminish its transgressive aura and so diminish and finally extinguish the appeal, have also failed. The only real solution, as my company has shown in study after study (all available upon request to accredited professionals), the real solution is to veer in an entirely new direction, reorienting the impulse not in its form but in its receptacle. This in fact is the primary reason we have not made the BSVBA available for public consumption or even display. Rumors that modifications are available which allow the BSVBA to become pregnant and bear miniature BSVBAS are grossly exaggerated, as are claims that the newness of the BSVBA by definition mean the prouct is underage so that intercourse with the BSVBA is in fact child molestation, since this product has in fact been under development for over fifty years and in fact each BSVBA comes with a certificate of authentication stating each and every BSVBA available is at least eighteen years of age. As for claims that certain patients have escaped from hospitals and now prostitute their BSVBAs on the street, there have been isolated cases of this, which is certainly a tragedy, but at this time all the BSVBAs have been recovered and destroyed. We believe our ongoing efforts to improve the device have lead to real gains not only to our shareholders but to the world at large, and in fact offer a thousand dollar reward to anyone who can prove us wrong. In closing, I would like to thank the members of this esteemed committee to allow me the forum to explain in full the nature of our work, and firmly believe the senators present are truly just and wise enough to see the truth behind the endless claims and lies of our enemies. Thank you and good afternoon.