19.3.09

item #7298

Richard, hello again, Sir. I have only the following conclusion for you at this time. You said I'd realise things about myself if only I applied myself. Well, so far, I am ashamed and annoyed to say I haven't; which only makes me feel worse - not so much for letting you down, more because I cannot progress, as you've said, without discovering at least one of the questions I need to ask. I wasn't watching hard enough, maybe. I did try. But I'm still unclear about what it is I'm meant to be watching, and how, and when. Something is in my way. I feel inattentive, distracted. Before contacting you, I'd more or less decided to give up on hope, and on faith in the future. I thought I was being realistic in doing so, finally getting to grips with reality, and getting my head out of the clouds. But, in the end, that put me squarely back into just believing that those strategies would work. It all still felt more like religion than science. I just cannot remove the thing between me and what's immediate and actual in this world. It always feels sublimated; as if my ideas are themselves shielding me from verisimilitude. Fortunate favours the brave, you said; but I've been brave, over and over, and I am still in the gutter. Sir, you've hooked me in now - I accept that; but can I ask what you intend to do with me? Can you say more about how I might arrive at the questions you seek? Would that spoil things? I just don't want to fail - not again. Joanne

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